What My Lockdown Zoom Chats Have Highlighted About The Importance Of Self-Image
Some styles of therapy teach that the therapists should not share any personal information, but I am less formal than that. I am my own guinea pig when I learn new stuff. I am the easiest person in the world to observe closely without getting arrested or weirding anyone out. I am at the centre of many of my insights into the human mind, and so I do use examples from my own life in therapy. So here I go again – I am going to make a confession:
In my head I am magnificent. In my head I am extremely talented at everything I set my mind to. In my head I turn heads for every reason that heads like to turn.
In my head I am mediocre. In my head I am nothing special. In my head I am of very average attractiveness and capabilities. In my head I am not awful.
In my head I am a bit funny looking. In my head I am just a little overweight. In my head I could try harder and be more successful. In my head I doubt myself.
That's three confessions really. All those thoughts that I mentioned are present in my mind from time to time. Sometimes they feel like different parts of my character coming through and other times just thoughts passing through.
Some of the thoughts can be quite sycophantic – they congratulate me on how well I chop a carrot or walk down the street – I kid you not. Those thoughts make me smile, but I do not take them very seriously – I have not yet set up a Youtube video on chopping carrots. Some thoughts are dreary and boring and honestly can't be bothered to demand my attention at all, and some feel a little morose or even vindictive.
The thing is – I'm human. My mood and outlook going to be up and down. I am going to repeat back at myself every good and bad idea that I have ever heard or read that made sense to me at some point in my life. That doesn't mean that 'I' am actually thinking these thoughts. That doesn't mean that I have to believe these thoughts. They are just there feeding suggestions back to me.
My reason for writing this now is the amusing observation that I have made about my self-image during lockdown thanks to Zoom. Just like these thoughts, my self-image changes from one day to the next or one situation to the next. If I am feeling good my self-image is handsome and debonair. If I am feeling a little out of place my self-image is awkward and a little fidgety. Is my self-image moulding my mood or is my mood moulding my self-image? That's an interesting question! Whichever it is, it probably doesn't effect how I appear from the outside because I know that my self-image is not actually me, even though my mind often goes about trying to fool me into believing it is. My self-image is just a thought construct.
Before Covid I used to sit in a room with my clients and talk. My attention was equally divided between them and my inner reservoir of knowledge and experience. I was never really thinking about me. During lockdown though, I have been conducting hypnotherapy sessions with clients on screen, and right next to them on screen, looking back at me, talking with me in animated ways is.....me!
This has been a whole new experience for me and an interesting one. I look weird when I talk. Those expressions I pull that I thought were cute or humorous are bordering on terrifying. Whoever I am speaking to though seems to be responding to my body language in the way that it is intended, but I have a whole new bunch of thoughts in my head: 'alright mate calm down' and 'narrow your eyes dude, you're not an owl' and '...what?...why did you make that gesture?' My self-image has popped off on holiday while I have been stuck at home. I've not needed him as I have had this new external image of myself muscling in on all my conversations instead.
Hypnotherpay sessions and chats on Zoom during lockdown have highlighted to me that the importance of self-image is a bit of a myth.
The Importance Of Self-Image
I could not ignore this strange chap as he was sitting there right next to the client on the screen and so I had to just accept him, and in doing so he became much less important, allowing my attention to go where it was needed. I realised this is no different to the relationship I have with my self-image – I am not necessarily at my best when there is a positive self-image in my mind nor at my worst when there is negative one. I am at my best when I am not thinking about myself – when my attention is where it can do the most good. I am at my worst when I am thinking too much about myself – when my attention is being dragged away from what is important.
If you struggle with low self-confidence or low self-esteem then you are buying into a less-than-ideal internal self-image and forgetting that that image is not actually you. It is a thought construct that you have labelled ME. Genuine self-esteem does not come from a positive self-image – genuine self-esteem does not come from a fragile positive construct that must be defended at all costs. Genuine self-esteem comes from an ability to go about your life without constant self-reference.
Like my Zoom image though, your self-image is often going to be there looking back at you from the depths of your mind. The first step to freedom is not about trying to ignore it. The first step is just about accepting that the self-image is just an image in your mind. There is no need to take it seriously. It's not you. Self-referential thinking is just thinking. Self-criticism is just words in your mind. None of it is actually you.
Do you have problems with your self-image? Low self-esteem? Low-confidence? Do you beat yourself up? Do you doubt yourself? Do you keep getting yourself into trouble because you are overconfident? Do you feel confident in some situation but a gibbering wreck in others? Are you fed up of feeling that way? Please get in touch for a chat.