Self-Esteem During Covid Lockdown

Over the course of my life I have been many things: I have been a baby, a son, a brother, a student, a coffee barista, a cinema manager, a coach to the unemployed and a victim care officer to name but a few. For the last 9 years I have been a therapeutic hypnotist, but the Covid lockdown pressed pause on that.

For the last five years I have felt very smug and free in my own self-employment. It was good to get out from under The Man's boot-heel. I was unabashedly happy about the 3 metre commute from my bedroom to my office, about how I get to pick my working hours and about how I very rarely have to do anything that I do not want to do because every part of my job is interesting to me.

Then March 2020 happened. When enquiries stopped coming in I knew I had to get a job for my own peace of mind and mortgage payments, and so I applied to Tesco and got a job quickly in small store stacking shelves, managing queues and operating the till. Now, when all my friends started working from home – I had to go out to work. When everyone else was having less contact with people, I was having contact with many more. I was working physically harder for less money doing a job that I last did 25 years ago.

The shop was fine. The regular customers were mostly good fun. The team in the shop were all great, most of whom were busy being born when I last stacked shelves. I actually had a pretty good time. It was like a holiday job for me, but my mind was still busy doing what minds do.

I was aware of a fish out of water feeling, aware of being that guy who had to keep asking questions because I did not know anything. I was aware that I was reporting to someone just over half my age for breaks or what to do next. I was reading about the growing mental crisis knowing that I could help people, but my only source of income was assisting them get their groceries. I was aware of thoughts suggesting that this was a huge backwards step and that I would never get my hypnosis practice going again. I was aware of a repetitive thought observing me in this work telling me: this is not me. But I was also aware that this was all just thinking. Every thought had a reason to be there, but none of them were speaking truth.

That resounding thought – this is not me – was hanging on to an idea of identity, but I did not give in to it. I looked back at all the varied roles that I had played in my life and wondered which one was me? They had all felt like me at the time, and so why should this not feel like me now?

My self-esteem could only be shaken if I had allowed that current situation be at odds with my sense of self. My self-esteem could only be shaken if I had taken those thoughts to be truth instead of just one way to see things. My self-esteem could only be shaken if I had clung to how things should be instead of how they are right now. My self-esteem could only be shaken if I had believed my concerns about the future were the future. I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly it just felt normal to be working in a supermarket. I felt good. I felt fine.

It is nice to have to put my money where my mouth is from time to time. It is good to practice what I teach. It proves to me that I get it, and I'm not just regurgitating my training at people. The practice is picking up again now holding sessions over video calls. I am hoping to be able to offer face to face appointments again come July 4th when hairdressers are allowed to open, but obviously I'm playing that one by ear. There were a few touch-and-go moments that nearly knocked my self-esteem during lockdown, but it remained robust as my sense of identity adapted.

If you are struggling with any self-esteem issues, Covid related or otherwise, then please get in touch by clicking on the I’m Ready button below – I can probably help you identify and resolve whatever it is getting in the way of you being you.